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Je suis fier de toi... MAIS je ne te le dis pas ! - Les 6 doigts de la main
Lors d’un de mes derniers ateliers, nous en sommes venus à parler des compliments évaluatifs.
Oui, on a tendance à évaluer par nos compliments.
Faber et Mazlish parlaient déjà de remplacer cette forme de compliments par des compliments descriptifs . Que c’était à la personne elle-même de tirer les conclusions de la description, qu’on se construisait mieux ainsi.
Depuis, j’en ai lu et écouté plusieurs exemples et illustrations, diverses expériences menées, qui montraient comment les compliments qui évaluent ne font que renforcer la motivation externe et fléchir la motivation interne, ce qui va à l’encontre de ce que nous voulons développer chez nos enfants…
Lors de cet atelier, j’en ai reçu une illustration frappante, que je voudrais partager.
Nous en avons parlé brièvement, parce que ce n’était pas vraiment le thème de l’atelier, mais je donnais l’exemple le plus classique aux parents :
« Je suis fier de toi ! » disons-nous à nos enfants, quand nous devrions plutôt leur dire : « Tu dois être fier de toi ! », évitant ainsi le jugement extérieur et encourageant plutôt son estime personnelle !
Le lendemain, une maman me raconte que cette remarque l’a fait réfléchir, parce que, 2 jours auparavant, justement, ils avaient eu un entretien avec l’instituteur de leur fils (7 ans), et en étaient sortis en lui commentant que suite à tout ce que l’instituteur avait dit, ils étaient très fiers de lui ! Alors, après l’atelier, cette matin en a reparlé à son fils, lui demandant :
« Tu sais, je repensais à l’entretien avec ton instituteur, et tout ce qu’il avait dit. Tu dois être fier de toi, non ?
– Ca compte ? » lui répond son fils….
La mère était médusée !
« Bien sûr que ça compte !! D’ailleurs, ce n’est pas que ça compte, c’est l’essentiel !! Beaucoup plus important que le fait de savoir que nous sommes fiers de toi ou pas !
– Ah… Tu pourrais me redire ce qu’il a dit, alors ? »
Ne nous approprions pas les réussites de nos enfants : ils ne réussissent pas pour nous, mais bien pour eux , c’est le message à leur transmettre !
10 avril 2017 /
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Coralie
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Coralie 2017-04-10 13:22:02 2021-10-19 09:25:45 Je suis fier de toi… MAIS je ne te le dis pas !
Lenteur rime-t-elle avec bonheur ? Accepter que l’enfant pleure… Faire défiler vers le haut
J’avais déjà lu des arguments similaires sur le bénéfice ne pas complimenter nos enfants. Je n’étais pas d’accord , mais là, l’adjectif ‘descriptif’ fait toute la clarté sur ce concept.
Merci pour cet éclairage.
Bonjour Jean-Philippe, je suis ravie que cet éclairage te parle !
Il est vrai que ce n’est pas toujours facile à saisir.
Ce concept m’a également pris un peu de temps, j’en suis aujourd’hui tellement convaincue !
Un autre billet qui pourrait te le mettre en exemple : https://les6doigtsdelamain.com/le-compliment-descriptif/
Bonjour Coralie,
Merci pour cet article instructif et son exemple très parlant ! C’est tellement important que les enfants puissent s’évaluer eux-même et qu’ils puissent avoir confiance en eux et en leur valeurs. Avec mon plus grand garçon, on fait souvent un petit bilan de fin de journée au moment du coucher. Quand il me raconte une action valorisante pour lui ,je lui demande si il est fier de lui . Il me répond positivement et ses yeux brillent de fierté. Quel plaisir!!
SOnia
Merci Sonia de ce commentaire ! C’est chouette de pouvoir développer sa propre estime !
Quel exemple! Cela met des mots et des concepts sur nos observations et le malaise entre le « too much » local et ce que mes parents faisaient. Ils nous racontaient les mots de fierté de certains de leurs amis à propos de leurs propres enfants en nous précisant bien que, eux, n’avaient rien dit mais n’en pensaient pas moins… Bref! On ne savait plutôt trop quoi pensé comme enfant…
J’apprécie la réponse de l’enfant! Génial!
Oui, ce ‘nest pas toujours simple de trouver le bon équilibre. Je crois qu’il est bon de réfléchir un peu à nos paroles, pour nous aider à etre « naturel en conscience », si cela a un sens… Le fait de voir le modele d’une autre culture est également une bonne manière de prendre ce recul, tu ne trouves pas ?