Another small, interesting article of « J’ai tout essayé ! » (“I tried everything!”).

Sometimes, the small child will show something in a shop, and we answer immediately: “No, I won’t buy that” or “That’s not for you.”

But the author here rightfully helps us notice that there are a variety of circumstances in which the child shows us something, without us having the idea that he wants it: a plane in the sky for example! So let’s remember to comment, just like we would for a plane: “Yes, it’s a plane!” (- replace by the shown object)

It’s one of Isabelle Filliozat’s small articles in « J’ai tout essayé ! » (“I tried everything!”) that really interested me.
When we call a child (for example “Dinner’s ready!”), he first needs to hear the call, when he is sometimes very involved in what he is doing, and then to connect the word and the action, and that isn’t always easy, especially in boys for whom, as Isabelle Filliozat explains, the connection in the brain between the word and action happens later.
So, instead of getting angry, get closer: the little boy will react better to physical contact.
I tried it, it’s surprising to see how well it works!

Impossible to not talk about it in the period of small childhood evoked by Isabelle Filliozat in « J’ai tout essayé ! » (“I tried everything!”).

In English, they speak of the “terrible 2”, this age is often one of opposition. In reality, it explains quite simply: the child enters a phase of individualisation. (Which is why we sometimes call it small adolescence)
The 2-year-old child realises he is his own individual. That he exists separate from us. And he needs to prove it to himself. That’s why he starts opposing us. He isn’t content with what we tell him to do, he wants to take initiative, he wants to be. Thus, the best way to avoid a problem is to give him the opportunity to choose alone.
It’s easier that it would seem: it’s not about not imposing everything, since we are still in control of the planning.. But simply to give him opportunities for decision making in the frame we will have given him.

To achieve this, two techniques of which we have already spoken are particularly efficient:

1- Description: “Oh, your teddybear is on the floor!”, so the child will give himself the instruction to put it back in the bed. (seen in How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk  in chapter 3 on punishment, then in Siblings without rivalries)

2- Choice!! In every way, once again. So we can sometimes replace “Come to the bathroom!” (we are in the middle of potty training) by “Do you want to go on the toilet or on the potty?”. It’s incredible how well it works…

and Isabelle Filliozat adds to this idea with:

3- Giving an Information: “We put shoes away here.” (technique also seen in the same chapter, of How to talk so kids…)

4- Installing routines, and connections:
In our house for example, it’s: bath, pyjama, cleaning up the living room, and dinner time!

« Let’s refrain from minimizing the children’s feelings » writes Isabelle Filliozat in Understanding children’s emotions.

Of course, I had already read that in Faber and Mazlish’s books. We are talking about receiving the child’s feelings (or anyone’s for that matter), no deny them, nor neglect them. No use in explaining that « it’s nothing », for him, it is.
It seems easy, it is not, because we don’t see that as the model around us. (funny that I recently saw it in a children’s story that I had read before…)

In Understanding children’s emotions, the writer tells the story of a little boy who bursts in tears when his balloon breaks. Instead of telling him it doesn’t matter, the adult asks :
« What is this balloon for you?
– everything dies! answers the kid, my grandpa died last week. »
Of course it is not always so extreme! but… some cries can hide others…

We should thus wonder about the child’s history, as for our friend’s little girl, recently arrived in this country, who has a hard time falling asleep by herself.

Following this logic, the author writes:
« Always let him express his feeling, accompany his discharge of cries, yells, shivering, without trying to calm him down. To cry, to yell, to shiver are his ways of expressing his suffering, of freeing his tensions, of healing. »
Ok, I get it. But I have a problem: freeing his tensions, he’s giving me some! I have trouble staying calm when I hear yelling…
It seems to me that my 4 year old should be able to better face his frustration and not burst into tears so often. It is also what his extraordinary teacher says.

Then what? How can we let our children express themselves and still stay sane??

Back to the book post

« Each child is unique, it is not a matter of applying theatrical rules » explains Isabelle Filliozat speaking about letting the child sleep in the parents’ bed. (First chapter of Understanding children’s emotions)

It makes me think.

We often hear that we should not, that it is a very bad habit! And it is exactly what we thought when our kids were small.

It happened only very rarely. Sometimes, when they were tiny babies, they would finish their night in our bed, only because I was falling back asleep while he was feeding, but we never installed the kid in our bed. Why? Because we knew we were not supposed to, bt above all because I needed to sleep! I was exhausted, and the noises of the baby in the room would wake me up, even when he was only moving a bit. A good sleep was necessary for me, and if I were to have another kid today, I would still put him to sleep in another room.

However, I find this sentence interesting: it was the best solution for us, but not necessarily for other parents, other children…

« Does it feel like yes or no? »
It felt like no, but it won’t be the case for everyone.

Last weekend, I was discussing with friends who have hard time making their daughter go to sleep in the evening. She wants someone by her side. I was kidding with them: « Let her with me for a week, no problem, she will fall asleep at 8! »
Yes, for me it is important that the kids understand that after bed time it is parent time, but this is because I need it, simply.

Now I wonder: these parents might need it less than I ? This little girl might have reasons for needing to be reassured? (thinking about one of the questions raised later in the book: « what’s his story? ». In this case a recent change of countries, which means a world upside down!).

Maybe these parents succeed in finding a better balance than what I could do between what their daughter needs and what they are capable of giving her…

I need to ask them: « does it feel like yes or no? »

Back to the book post

 

In “J’ai tout essayé!” (« I tried everything! »), one of the little articles is titled “She does exactly what I just told her not to, while looking at me in the eyes!”

It’s happened to all of us and we can all admit it is annoying!!

But Isabelle Filliozat explains that the toddler has an intelligence principally “touch and feel”, that uses motion and physical sensations. Thus, doing what we just told him not to is a way for the child to commit to memory the thing he is not supposed to do, not to provoke us.

In the days that followed the read of that article, I got some concrete examples:

Anatole (2 years old) puts his toothbrush on the floor. I explain to him that he shouldn’t do it, and put it on the sink. He takes it, puts it on the floor, and says to me: “not here”, then puts it back on the sink and says “here”.

A couple days later, we are in a waiting room. He is seated on my lap to hug me, but his position doesn’t suit him. He changes it than explains: “Not like this – after getting back in the first position -, like this.

It’s so clear that I wonder how I could have overlooked this need before…

“I tried everything!” : The trap of negation

A revelation, thanks to Isabelle Filliozat’s book, “J’ai tout essayé !” (« I tried everything! ») : the trap of negative form.

The brain of toddlers (before three years old) doesn’t know well how to cope with negation yet.

So, if we tell them “We do not go on the road”, he understands better “go” and “road” that “do not”.

In the end, we are nearly encouraging him!

So, let’s keep our sentences affirmative, and say instead “We stay on the sidewalk.” (Note these are not orders, but rules, exactly as is suggested in Liberated Parents, Liberated Children, in the chapter about anger)

Ever since I read this, I found many ways to put it in practice, and to change my negations into affirmations. Instructions are probably better understood, and, non negligible advantage, it makes the mood more positive ! (That’s probably why we talk of positive parenting!)

Interesting chapter, where the author relates a session with kids, well… teenagers.

She decided , in order to better understand them, to ask them targeted questions, which they had to answer in writing. Questions about the advantage of having their age, their concerns, how they think their parents help or on the contrary don’t, advice they give their parents, or other teens…

Of course it got me thinking about us.

 

We try to have an open relationship with our teenager, to talk about everything, and above all make sure he knows he can talk to us about anything, but do we know how enough to know what he would answer to the questions raised here?
I’ll just copy here the list of these issues, we’ll each deal with our own teen…

 

When people make a comment like « well yes, he’s a teenager! », what do you think they mean?
What do you think is the main advantage of having your age – for yourself or for your friends?
What are some of the concerns of young people your age?
Are there things your parents say or do that are useful to you?
Are there things your parents say or do that you are not useful?
If you had any advice to give to parents, what would it be?
If you had any advice to give to other teenagers, what would it be?
What would you like to see change in your life – at home, at school, or with friends?

 

The end of the book is for teenagers themselves, how to communicate with their parents.
Try to stay respectful, avoid insults…
Then the last chapter encourages parents to seize opportunities that arise to discuss sensitive subjects, such as drug or sex… spontaneously and casually, for example discussing news, rather than by launching big conversations.

Back to the book post

In How to talk so kids will listen…, this method is described at the end of Chapter 3 about alternatives to punishment.

Here it is a whole chapter, which I think is good, because it is worth spending time on it. It also makes sense that it would take more space in the book that concerns the teenagers specifically, because that method can work with kids, but becomes downright necessary when dealing with teens. Why? Because if they don’t want to cooperate, then they will not. Period. The time of  « because I said so » is definitely over, and I basically think that acting this way with a teenager will only encourage him to drift further from us.

He needs to feel involved, engaged in the resolution of the problem, whatever it is.

 

At first glance, we might think it takes more time, but longer-term, lets make sure the teen is part of the team from the beginning, otherwise the quick resolution of the problem isn’t one, and we just wasted time solving it too fast.

Hence the title of the chapter: « Working it out TOGETHER. »

The idea is to deal with the situation which poses problem (bedtime, attitude towards his brother, cleaning up, whatever it is) following these steps

1 – Listen to your teen’s point of view
To be able to move on to the solving part, the teen first needs to feel listened, otherwise it isn’t even worthwhile to continue.

2 – Share your point of view
On the other hand, we will also teach him to see the counterpart’s position, and understand why the situation is a problem for us. It will help him reflect later in the process.

3 – Brainstorming
We think TOGETHER and note all the ideas we have, good or bad, without judgment.

4 – Choice of solution
We reread the list, and choose which could be implemented to meet the both our needs.

Then, let’s not forget the final step:

5 – Check that the 2 parties continue to respect the agreement.

This is sometimes a step we might be tempted to skip, but it also has its importance. Because we tend to drift apart from what has been decided, or even just to realize that we are doing well, which demonstrate that our exercice had value!

Back to the book post

The punishment… Subject of controversy.
To differentiate between punishment and consequence, for some, it’s only semantics. But when you look a bit more into it, you realize it really isn’t.
We’ve already discussed this question How to talk so kids… in Chapter 3 on punishment.

This time, we’re talking specifically of the teenager, but the principle is the same.

 

The message is not « I have all powers over you. » (Message sent when you punish, especially a teenager), but: « I’m on your side, let’s raise the bar. »
A different communication, to pass the responsibility onto the child. A stronger message to avoid the situation coming back, without sending the message that he’s a bad person. Always remain respectful.
It is more difficult than to punish the child, but better to force him to assume responsibility. Because by punishing, we enable him to ignore what hes done, and focus on his resentment against us. In fact, it deprives him of his work of taking responsibility.
Thus, by punishing, we may stop the behavior, but we dont allow children to self-correct.

Why is it so hard to change our punishments in consequences? Because there are situations for which there is no consequence. So the parent is frustrated at no being able to really react…
But is it necessary to react? Only seeing the result of his actions is sometimes enough.
In any case, the important steps are:
Express feelings
Express your expectations
Indicate a way to repair
Give a choice
Take action

And if that’s not enough, or if the situation repeats, move to the next phase of conflict resolution (already addressed in How to talk so kids… but thoroughly detailed in this one, in the  next chapter.)

Note:
An article to go further on the difference between punishment and consequence:
https://www.responsiveclassroom.org/punishment-vs-logical-consequences/

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