We got it! We have now learned to give in fantasy!.

It is one of the first points that we saw in the first chapter of How to talk so kids will listen, and listen to kids will talk.

Since then, it isn’t rare for us to answer Leon with things like:
“It would be great if we could bring our toys to school…It would be nice if we could eat only chocolate cake!”

This morning, I felt really happy. We were in the car.
Nicolas and I were taking Léon and Anatole to school. Anatole was crying and asking for his teddy bear.
Léon tells him:
“Anatole, it would be great if we could have the teddy bear… unfortunately, it isn’t here.” Anatole stops crying, and Nicolas and I look at each other.

I loved the repetition of the model, because it proved two things:
that we had assimilated it enough for it to have become a model, and especially that Léon had himself integrated it as a method of acceptation of a situation we would prefer different.

Thus, we added another string to his bow!

Recently, Oscar (13 years old) wanted to participate in a drawing competition about a cover page for « Romeo and Juliet ». He spoke about it for a while, sharing his ideas, and he was rather excited. And then one day, he finally began to draw. Only he had to turn it in an hour later…

I walked into his room just when he was finishing.
He was not happy with it: « It sucks, huh? »
Of course, now I know it doesn’t help to answer no! I only go with a:
« You think it’s bad? »
-Well yes, look, these colours, this isn’t what I wanted… I shouldn’t have used markers…
-Yes, but… »
Oops, I almost got too far! Fortunately, just in time, I remember the example of the book How to talk so teens will listen… and in particular the example so close that I had read! I stop.
He goes on: « But I should have begun before so I would have time to do it again. True. »
Here we are, they really are able to learn by themselves! We don’t need to always lecture them!

Oscar (13) left a jar of peanut butter and a knife out.
I call him, and comment: « I’m tired of always telling you the same things! »

He believes I’m talking about something else, and asks:
« What? Did I drink straight out of the bottle? did I leave my backpack lying around? Didn’t I close the rollerblades’ drawer? »

And then, I realize that he did not drink straight out of  the bottle, he did not leave my backpack lying around, and that he did close the drawer…

Why do we only notice what goes wrong?

 

 

In the first chapter of How to talk so kids will… Faber and Mazlish suggest creative expression.
So I tried with Leon (3 years) on a day of crisis.

I wish I had kept his drawing to illustrate this point.
He began by drawing a broken line, immediately calmed, and drew the face around. turned out the broken line was the mouth…
By the time he was done drawing, he wasn’t angry anymore!

 

A few months later, I experienced again with Alice (8 years), who didn’t want us parents to go out at night.

I told her to draw and write what she felt, and the next day, she showed me a page full of comments.
Here again, I unfortunately did not keep the drawing she handed me.
It looked a bit like this other version, that I found afterwards, probably her first draft.  But the one she showed me had many more comments from the girl, including « I wish they would have drawing-anger  told me before! »

So, I don’t know how much it helped her in the evening, since as you got it, I was out, but I know that even though she had first found the idea a bit ridiculous, she was happy to show it to me in the morning, and it allowed me to discover that part of her anger was due to the fact that she had missed the information earlier in the day and therefore felt there and been no warning…

Next time, I will make sure to advise her in advance!

Shortly after reading the method for problem solving, at the end of Chapter 3 of How to talk so kids will listen, I decided to put this method in practice with Leon, 3 years, who was waking up his little brother Anatole every morning, to play with him a bit, then leave him in his cot crying, waking us as well…

We first talked about the situation, discussing the reasons for waking up his brother, and then why it bothered us. After that, begot a piece of paper to jot down any ideas of things he could do in the morning. Paper is in French, so you refer to the list in English…

resolution-1

Go in the living room and stay in the living room
Stay in the room
Prepare quiet activities in the evening
Prepare a small box / a small bag of cereals
Not return in the room
Play with Anatole gently
Having a notebook to write in
Build tracks with Anatole
Pool – not in the morning. Park either
Leave the room tiptoeing
Build tracks alone
We can’t go to the Park in the morning
We can’t go in the elevator alone

Then, we took these ideas, and many others, and we organized them in 2 categories:

What we have the right to do the morning alone

resolution-2

Draw
Eat cereal
Do Legos
Play forms
Make words with models
Turning lights on in the living room
Relax on the couch
Play with the train tracks
Make the ribbon snake
Look at books

What we can not do the morning alone

resolution-3

Get the chocolate
Go back to the room
Turn lights on in the room
Go on the balcony
Go in the elevator
Scream
Relax in the room
Go get your teddie bear
Take the pieces of the red box
Open the door of mum and dad’s room
Wake up Oscar, or Alice, or Jessi (our au pair)

And as a conclusion:

When Anatole is awake, we may

Go get your teddie bear, and your pillow, and your 2 bed sheets resolution-4

Go in your room

Well, it’s been very effective: the very next day, he stopped waking Anatole, and so for several weeks.

(In this chapter, a crucial step is missing, which is checking the issue again some time later, to discuss changing things, notice what still works or doesn’t.
This step is specified in the detailed presentation of the method in the book for teenagers.  The step I struggle to follow is this one. So we went through periods of « relapse », but that’s it. On this point in any case, the problem is now solved, Leon doesn’t wake Anatole anymore, and we sleep better in the morning!)

And here we come to the heart of it.

It took a little time? Yes, but before that, he had to understand the dynamics of this brother/sister relationship. And it’s only now when we better understand the previous points that we are equipped to respond well in the event of fighting…

Fights which, in fact, should be less frequent, just because our other changes have encouraged a more harmonious relationship.

Thus, if there is a good relationship between the children, they argue less, and know better how to manage their conflicts.

In general, we’ll try not to intervene in conflicts, and let them develop their own methods of resolution.
There will of course always be cases where our intervention is necessary.
In this case, try the following steps:

1 – Start by acknowledging the children’s anger towards each other. That alone should help calm them.

2 – Listen to each child’s side with respect

3 – Show appreciation for the difficulty of the problem

4 – Express faith in their ability to work out a mutually agreeable solution 

5 – Leave the room

 

If we get to the point where it’s already past talking, we can take a slightly more interventionist approach, first inquiring: « Are you playing or fighting? », then reminding the rule: « play fighting by mutual consent only », and finally, possibly: « I understand that you play, but it’s too brutal for me. « I wish that you find another activity. »

Sometimes, we have to intervene more strongly because it is already at an advanced level of the fight, for example when one is about to hit the other!

Then
1 – It may seem ridiculous, but start by describing the situation. It helps to get another perspective on what we’re doing…
« I see a boy who is about to hit the other! »
2 – Set the limits
« We don’t hurt each other! »
3 – Separate the children to let them breathe
« I think that you two need a cooling-off period… »

This is already quite a lot of skills to test, and to put in place.

The chapter however does not stop there. In fact, it makes you want to split into several chapters, because there are many situations, and there are lots of good advice here.

 

So, let’s follow with what I will call the

Part 2: the recurring situation

Ex: « she’s never ready in time to go to school… »

Then, we can start a process of conflict resolution, following these steps:
1 – A meeting between the protagonists. Explain the reasons for the meeting and the discussion rules.
2 – Write the feelings of each, and their recriminations, then read them aloud.
3 – Allow time for each one to respond to what the other has expressed.
4 – Invite everyone to come up with solutions. Write everything without judgment.
5 – Decide on the solutions that are suitable for all.
6 – Follow up

We already tried to implement this method. (In this precise example. Discussing with Oscar-13 years – and Alice – 8 years – about the time of departure for school, the need of each of them, and how one can adapt or not) and of course, it works much better to talk about the problem out of the heat moment. We can make decisions together, and then each one knows what limits are acceptable for the other.

On the other hand, we’ve been very bad on the follow-up. Is this a big deal? I don’t know… If the problem doesn’t arise anymore, one can think that there is no need to go back to it, but I actually think that
– It is a good idea to check if it worked before the same problem comes back, which can be very frustrating!
– If the problem is really solved, it is still worth taking time to note it, congratulate the children, and give them the opportunity to realize that this method of conflict resolution worked!

Note: this method is actually the same as the one seen in the end of the chapter on alternatives to punishment in How to talk so kids will listen…

 

Part 3: rather than take part…

Again, the children should resolve the issue. It’s darn hard on a daily basis, but it should not be the parent’s decision, otherwise, it is certain that at least one will judge it unfair (sometimes both), and will feel angry and bitter, towards the parent and the other child.

If we are in a situation where we are asked to take part, it is better to state the rule that will allow them to conclude by themselves:
« As I understand it, Thomas, you need pencils for your homework, and you want to finish coloring.
Homework always have priority, but Thomas, if you want to find an arrangement with your sister, you can. »
or: « She’d like to borrow this shirt for her party, but you won’t lend it to her because you fear she’ll damage it. Look, it’s your shirt and your decision, and it’s your choice to talk things out with your sister. »

In practice, I find that it doesn’t work that well… But at least it enables us to give our « decision » simply by reenforcing the rule, and let them understand it, rather than by imposing…

 

Part 4: Other piece of interest

How do we encourage sharing?
Since according to the previous point, you can’t force the sharing, how can you encourage it?
-putting children in charge of sharing when something is distributed
-highlighting the benefits of sharing
-allowing time for the child to integrate the idea (« He’ll tell you when he’s ready to share » – That works well!)
-showing your appreciation when sharing comes spontaneously
-modeling it!

Discourage tattling
A child telling on the other cannot contribute to them agreeing…
(We are talking here of a small thing that doesn’t impact the other one)
It is better not to encourage it.
« He did that? Tell him to come see me! » is not the right reaction: not only it gives satisfaction to the tale-bearer, but in addition, it implicates him in a role which is not his!
An appropriate response would be rather to go against our instincts, and say:
« I’m not comfortable hearing about what your brother is or isn’t doing… But if you want to tell me about yourself, I’m happy to listen. »

In the case where we have to vote, validate the frustration
Sometimes, when the group can’t decide, we proceed to a vote. No problem here, but it can be a good idea to point out to all: « Okay, so this is the decision, but we all know that one of us feels disappointed because he really wanted something else. »

Encourage teamwork
And this is the last point: do not hesitate to notice the moments where children work well together!
« You did this together? You make quite a team! »
Like when Oscar and Alice made their little brothers halloween costumes… They did a fantastic job! So you see… it is possible, don’t doubt about it!

Back to the book post

Avoid comparisons.
It sounds logical… We probably won’t say « your sister do that better than you », or the other way around, and I think I could have said that in our house, we don’t compare.
But I realized it can be more subtle than that…
Sometimes we compare when we have strong feelings:
« Your sister has been in the car for 10 minutes, and you’re still not ready! »
Or to encourage them to act as the big one: « your brother can’t do that because he is still little, but you’re a big boy! »
Try to develop cooperation rather than competition.

That’s so true! How can we explain this:
The other day, we arrive at dance class, and I ask Alice (8 years):
« Did you think about your dance shoes? And your books for the French class afterwards?
Great! You’ve organized well, you’ve thought of everything without me telling you anything! »
Her answer:
« Oscar (13 years) would have forgotten everything, even if you told him! »
That might be true… But why does she need to make that comparison?
Do we need to crush others to feel good about ourselves?
That’s what I’d like to change…

So, following what the book says, I now spread the message at home that we do not compare. « Oscar is Oscar, Alice is Alice, one has nothing to do with the other! »

The key word: describe!
Describe what you see, what you like, what you don’t like, what needs to be done.
None of what her brother does has anything to do with her.

On a ce cas dans la maison avec le piano :
Alice a beaucoup, beaucoup de mal à s’y mettre. Est-ce que le fait d’avoir tant entendu que son frère avait décollé l’année dernière et qu’il était doué ne la freine pas encore plus ?

Let’s also note that the comparison can be harmful even when it is positive: as with roles (that we addressed in Chapter 6 of How to talk so kids will listen…), it imposes a standard which can be difficult to maintain. Besides, it can encourage the fact to criticize each other to keep the « good » role.
In the same vein, it is sometimes better to avoid to compliment a child too much when the other one is present…
I think we have that problem at home with the piano:
Alice has a very very hard time to practice. Doesn’t hearing so much that her brother’s playing really took off last year and that he was gifted slow her down even more?

Back to the book post

After reading the 1st chapter of how to talk so kids will listen…, I try and give my kids their wishes in fantasy.

León (3 and a half years) wants to wear jeans to go to school.
« But it’s too hot to wear jeans!
– I still want to wear jeans…
– … It would be nice if it was cold, so I could let you use these jeans! Then, there would even be snow!
– Yes, and we would use jeans… Well, I’ll leave them here, and I’ll wear them at home after school. »

I was surprised myself…

 

Some time later, in the car, Leon’s thirsty.
The fact that I don’t have water has no impact on his claim.
Fortunately, I’ve read the same situation in a book by Faber and Mazlish, so I’m armed!
« You know what would be nice? To have a tap in the car! So that, every time we would be thirsty, we could just turn the tap on and have water! »
It was enough to make him stop crying.

The Saturday following my reading of the 1st chapter of how to talk so kids will listen…,we are in the street, and León (3 and a half years) gets upset because he can’t carry his tricycle. He bangs himself in the process.
I walk back to him, willing to suggest to ask for my help, or to go back and leave the tricycle  at home, and then I change my mind.
Instead, I use my new skills of active listening:
« You wanted to carry the tricycle?
-Yes!
– and you can’t?
-No…
– …
– hold on (he calms down), I’ll put it like that, yes, here we are! »
And off he goes!

first-hand In January 2015, time of good resolutions, I decided to take one: stop yelling.
In the previous months, the situation hadn’t been easy, and seeing the way our bigger ones spoke to our smaller ones was enough to understand that the model we were giving them had slipped…
So I started to surf the web, and I first got onto the « dirt and boogers » blog, whose writer, a mom like me, had engaged in a challenge:  « stop yelling« .
I read her advice, I got inspired, I liked what I was seeing, and I began to move forward.

One of the ideas she presented was that of the yellow heart. A ubiquitous symbol to be sure not to forget our priorities. Yes… Then, my readings led me to another blog, with another use of the yellow heart. There, I really liked the idea: a symbol that would allow me to refocus, and give the signal that I’m really getting nervous.
But, I didn’t like the symbol itself. The heart seemed too naive. So I asked Nicolas for some advice, as he always has creative ideas. He immediately suggested a 6 fingered hand! A hand that would represent our family, that would show the union we were thriving for… hand-in-salon
In a blink of the eye, I went for it, and a six-fingered hand was installed in our living room!
We hardly use it anymore. But in the early days, it was very helpful.
When I felt the anger coming, I would go lay my hand on the six-fingered one, and I breath very profoundly. I would help me stay calm, and show Leon I was about to burst.
He also began to use it, and sometimes, when we were outside, I would show him my hand to use when he needed to calm down!
Eventually… it passed. I use it again, from time to time, but he, even upset, no longer wishes to.

However, the symbol stays, and represents now the beginning of this story!